Television

In Review: The Real World: Portland, Episode 5

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This week, the Real World: Portland cast found themselves snow bound on a snowboarding adventure with none other than Not Shaun White.  The cast geared up and had snowboarding lessons!  What a coincidence that douche-bag cast member, Jordan, only had to make one phone call to get such treatment.  See, miracles do happen in the Real World.

The cast this season, as it is in every season, uses their sad “I was bullied in High School” or “My dad was mean” or “My ex-Boyfriend didn’t give me enough attention” excuses to treat each other like dirt and sloppily bounce around sucking each other’s faces.  But hey, it’s reality television and it’s on MTV.  What more can I expect from the good old MTV besides lazy, pretty people who are fame hungry and some low-key background indie music highlights between bitch fights and spit swapping?

This week, in case you missed it and want spoilers:

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Daisy was adorable.

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Avery saw an email from a female signed “Xoxo” in Johnny’s still-logged-in G-mail account and she didn’t think to search through the rest of the messages investigate the relationship.  (As any sane and trusting person would do.)  She then assumed Johnny would bring the email up and explain it to her… even though he would have had no idea what she saw.

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Johnny gets drunk a lot and gets pissy towards Avery.  Waah waah, the girl’s more experienced than you in more ways than one.  Get over your cry baby self.

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Anastasia makes you question, “How on EARTH are you a model,” with her sloppily-done, drowned raccoon eyes and hunchback posture.

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Jessica proves she’s a needy cry baby, too, as she has Bar Dude Paul falling over himself to make her happy and yet she needs that previously mentioned Not Shaun White to have her number.

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Joi has been forgotten about.  That’s what quitters get.

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Jordan has not been informed yet that the nation now knows about his “Tiny Dick Complex.”  Poor taste, Nia.

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Nia.  She’s just being a crazy bitch in every episode but at least she warned everyone in her Audition Tape and upon meeting the other cast mates on the first day.  The girl makes good T.V…  Too bad for Marlon.  Chick already has four boyfriends Whatever that means…

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Marlon seems to be waiting for Hurricane Nia to settle down before he catches his barrings.  More than likely the eye of the storm will show (hopefully) and more cast mate hook-up mistakes will be made then.  Fingers crossed.  A good rule to stand by in this type of situation is to not stick your dick in crazy, Marlon.

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Did I already mention Daisy was adorable?

So far, this season is outshining boring St. Thomas.  They put those kids on an island because no one would want to live on the same land mass as them.  I only finished the season because I had to see how the violent, hot-mess, blonde couple would end up.  I’m sure other viewers did so for the same reasons.

Until next week, Real World: Portland.

This season’s Reunion Show should already be good.

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